


Can't go on like this (alone)

by hamjay



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Chronic Pain, Disabled Character, Dissociation, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd Needs Help, M/M, Memory Loss, Mild Language, No Blood or Injury, Physical Therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25910335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamjay/pseuds/hamjay
Summary: Roy realizes his boyfriend has been living with chronic pain when a bad flare up puts Jason down. He's happy to help and Jason's too worn down to pretend he has it all handled.
Relationships: Roy Harper/Jason Todd
Comments: 13
Kudos: 127





	Can't go on like this (alone)

**Author's Note:**

> A mix of headcanons and self indulgence has led me here.  
> Jason has short term memory loss due to life long PTSD and intense stress levels. He also has chronic pain due to PTSD and stress, a harsh childhood, and exacerbated physical activity and injury as a vigilante.  
> Roy has chronic pain too, as I believe all non-meta heroes would have. But this fic is centered on Jason's experience.  
> Jason and Roy are in a committed relationship, but it's still fresh.  
> There are descriptions of OUT OF BODY experience, DISASSOCIATION from your body, and bodily pain. Read only if you are comfortable with these topics.

"Jay what's going on?" Roy asked, frowning. He followed his limping teammate to the safe house bedroom despite Jason's foul mood. "Talk to me, baby,  _ please. _ I want to help. If you're injured I can-"

"I didn’t get hurt, Roy," Jason said. When he sat down on the bed his whole body sagged and Roy watched with disbelief while Jason fought weakly with his own armor. Jason was an incredible and resourceful teammate, he  _ knew _ how to rely on others to play their parts. But once in a while Jason got very prickly about accepting help, and it was usually when he needed it the  _ most _ .

Jason's heart was on his sleeve even when he desperately tried denying he had any heart with which to feel at all, a heart someone could hurt.

Roy threw his hands out to the side in exasperation. "You're obviously in pain." His hands covered Jason's and took over for them. Jason fought at first but wasn't able to dislodge Roy's strong hands so he gave up and gripped Roy's forearms to keep up the protest. Or maybe to anchor himself upright. His gray eyes were dull as stone and unfocused, signalling to Roy that he was slipping in and out of the present moment. "Did you fall? I didn't see you take any bad hits…"

"'m used to it," Jason grunted.

"Huh?"

"I said I'm used to it," Jason said louder this time. "It gets bad sometimes, like this. But I'm used to it."

“ _ What _ gets bad?”

Roy figured Jason  _ really _ didn’t want to admit something was wrong because his boyfriend briefly made a face like he was sucking on a sour candy. The longer something had been  _ wrong _ , the harder it seemed for Jason to disclose it. “The pain,” he ground out. “I always have some kinda’ pain goin’. Sometimes it gets bad. Like this.”

"And you're just 'used to it'," Roy repeated rather than asked, annoyed Jason wanted to brush it off, and leaned into a scolding tone. " _ Machismo _ much? That's toxic bullshit and you know it.  _ Tsk _ \- trying to muscle through it..." Jason saw the look of annoyance on Roy's face and gave one right back.

"Don't mistake the truth for pride," Jason snapped, and for that moment his eyes were clear. It was reassuring to Roy that Jason could rally enough to correct him, to insist that he didn't align himself with the kind of masculinity that sometimes  _ hounded _ them. "I've been in pain my whole  _ fucking _ life. I'm not trying to  _ prove _ something. I  _ get _ to say it. I wake up knowing  _ today's gonna hurt _ . Just a matter of...how bad?" The fight slowly faded out of him as he talked and Jason slumped again. The glaze returned to his eyes.

Roy tugged the last fastening open and the kevlar shirt became loose. He hadn’t meant to be coarse with Jason but sometimes he was just so  _ stubborn _ . So with more consideration he said, "Just because you're used to it, Jaybird, doesn't mean you can’t accept my help.” Jason glanced up through his dark lashes at his boyfriend, who looked sincere. 

Hadn’t Jason always wanted help? His mom’s help, Bruce’s help, Talia’s. Wanted  _ somebody _ to keep him from crumpling to the ground on his worst nights. Just  _ one _ hand to keep him upright until he could make it to a bed, even if he resisted the whole damn way. Because, like Roy had thought, the more walls Jason put between himself and the world, the more desperately he needed someone to walk right around them and to his side. And on the days that weren’t so bad, Jason still wished for comfort, a kind and friendly distraction. His resistance didn’t shatter so much as melted as Roy found his way around the walls, instead of trying to smash them down.

Roy had Jason's armor ready to come off. "Think you can raise your arms?" Jason did so without a word, but it was clear to Roy that it pained him, making his eyes close. He quickly got it off Jason and it left him in his sweat soaked undershirt. "Lay down. Hey, I said lay down, Jay." Roy had to insist because Jason was fading from him steadily. A nudge to Jason's chest sent him back onto the bed with a long groan. 

Then all was quiet and Jason promised silently not to resist Roy’s help. At least for tonight, he told himself. Roy knelt down and worked off Jason's heavy boots. When he pulled them off Jason let out a relieved sigh for each one. He coaxed Jason to drink water with the pain killers he found in the first aid kit. Jason's mind felt foggy and his world had narrowed down to Roy's helpful hands that caressed and coaxed and supported. 

"What can I get you? You want a hot shower?" Roy asked, kneeling beside Jason who had laid down on the bed again, calves and feet hanging off the side.

"Ice bath." Jason knew it was the only thing that could help him at this point

A glance in the freezer confirmed Roy's suspicion. "Not enough ice here. You okay if I run down the street for some?" Jason grunted that he could manage so Roy took a jog down a few blocks to the 24 hour Mart on the corner. Jason was still laying on the bed when he returned.

"Okay, big guy… You hanging in there?" Roy asked, leaning over Jason who mustered only a nod. "Jesus, you're scaring me, Jaybird," he admitted, resting a hand a warm hand on Jason’s chest, just to reassure himself. "Sure you didn't take a bad hit tonight? Not bleeding internally or nothin?"

Jason shook his head. "Wore myself out...is all." He wished Roy wouldn't look at him like that, like all the world was hanging by a thread because Jason Todd was having a hard time.

"Worn out is the understatement of the year," Roy scoffed. " _ I'm _ worn out. You're… Well. If I didn't know any better I'd think you were dosed with something. Come on. I got the ice. Get outta these pants..."

Jason lifted limp hands to his waist. "We've been working hard, Roy," he reminded him, numbly picking his pants fastening apart. And he wasn’t wrong, Roy thought. They’d had job after brutal job this month without any rest. 

“You make getting out of pants look like an Olympic sport.” Roy braced one knee on the bed and brushed Jason's frustrated hands aside. He undid the belt, the hooks, and pulled the zipper down. The material loosened around Jason's thighs and Roy fisted the pants there and started pulling them down. Once out from under Jason's weight Roy whisked them off his legs. "We'll leave these on," Roy said a little cheekily, meaning the black compression leggings Jason wore underneath the utility pants. The simple fact that Jason rolled his eyes at that reassured Roy that his Jaybird was still awake enough to appreciate his charm. Jason dug a hand into the waistband and there was some wiggling then he chucked aside his protective cup.

"Quit eyein' me up and get me in the tub," Jason said. Roy realized he’d been staring. He’d seen Jason in tough shape before. Beaten, broken, frightened, confused. This was one more shape he logged away, one more Jason that needed him, one more Jaybird he vowed to stick by.

"You got it, boss."

In general Jason avoided touch. It gave him reassurance, knowing his body was his own and not something someone could use against him. People hurt him all the time, wanted to gut him, shoot him, strike him. But Roy and Kori touched him, without shame, without asking for anything in return, and without hurting him. And Jason took it like water on his back at first, something to endure, something environmental. The affection. But what was once endured became sought out. Roy wondered if Jason just finally trusted them not to control him, if Jason realized he liked being hugged, liked having his hair brushed with fingers, liked being held upright.

But now Jason flinched and tensed with every movement Roy put him through. They started by sitting Jason up, then slinging one arm over Roy's shoulders. "I'm sorry," Roy said, finding himself feeling very apologetic since Jason was clenching his jaw to stay quiet. "Sorry. We're almost there." But Jason shook his head because he couldn’t accept the apology, not when Roy was gathering the pain up in his strong arms and hauling it away when Jason just couldn’t do it himself anymore.

“No...thank you…” he mumbled. 

The bathroom light was dim and sad in here, the linoleum floor was cracked up, walls stained from smoke and general grime. But it was a crash pad good enough for a couple of Outlaws.

Jason didn't say a word. Maybe he couldn't. They sat him in the tub and Roy started pouring the bags of ice over him, distributing it evenly around, over Jason's legs, around them, and up his chest, over his arms. The cubes and crushed pieces clattered noisily against the tub bottom and walls. Then Roy ran the water and filled the tub as far as he dared in order to submerge Jason. He stuck his arm in to shift the ice around some more and the skin was stinging with cold by the time he withdrew it, dripping rivulets over his tattoos. 

When the water shut off the bathroom became suddenly quiet. The thin walls betrayed the movement in the other dingy apartments in the building, a dog barking, a television blaring, someone talking loudly. Roy watched Jason's face. His misty eyes were closed and his head rested back. The crease between his brows and the frown betrayed his calm for suffering.

Roy let out a slow sigh through his nose. He got up and tiredly put their gear away, stripped down and pulled on sweatpants and a hoodie he had stashed here. It would be good to shower off the sweat that was now cooled on his skin, but the bathroom was currently occupied. Roy was tired, his body ached all over, his legs were begging him to sit down. So he took some painkillers too and returned to the bathroom. He dropped a change of clothes and a towel on the counter for his boyfriend. Roy sank to the floor, back propped up against the sink cupboard and watched over Jason.

Must have drifted off because he woke to the feeling of cold water flicking in his face.

"Roy, wake up." Roy rubbed his face. "I'm fre-freezing, help me out." He opened his eyes to see Jason clinging to the side of the tub looking like a drowned dog, even his hair was wet now. Had he dunked his head? Roy wondered. The black undershirt clung to Jason's chest as it rose and fell over labored shaking breaths.

"Shit, sorry-" Roy scrambled to his feet.

"It's okay," Jason promised. His voice, though uncertain from the chill, sounded stronger than before the ice bath. Roy pulled up his sleeves over his strong forearms and hooked them under Jason's armpits. Jason clung to his shoulders with fist fulls of his hoodie. "C'mon…!" Roy grunted. The ice water chattered as Jason departed from it. The black undershirt and leggings were soaked through and clinging to chilled skin. "Watch your- step…" Together they managed to extract Jason from the tub without either of them slipping. Once Jason was steady on his feet he began stripping the soaked clothes off. Roy handed over the towel and then the clothes. It was a quick and clinical dry and dress procedure.

Jason teetered from the bathroom in his new sweatpants and long sleeve shirt and went straight to the bed, Roy following close behind him. "Drink some water," Roy insisted, and Jason downed half a bottle of it then laid down, hunched and shivering slightly. Roy slid into the bed beside him and pulled the covers over them both. "Can I hold you?" he asked. He was hesitant for once, remembering how it had hurt Jason to be handled earlier. Roy wondered sadly if he'd ever done that to Jason in the past without realizing it.

"Please. My nu-nuts are frozen," Jason said. Roy laughed and wrapped his long arms around his partner. But Jason immediately readjusted, getting his arm over Roy and slotting his knee between Roy's legs to prop it up. It felt very purposeful, the arrangement, so Roy relaxed and let Jason position himself so he would be comfortable. "Thanks."

The trembling of Jason's limbs faded soon and Roy breathed a sigh of relief and finally closed his eyes like Jason had.

Roy would have sworn Jason was asleep by now so he was surprised to hear him, quietly, say "in the morning…hot shower."

"What's going on Jay?" Roy asked, just as quietly. "I wish I'd known..."

A sad sigh from Jason surprised him. Roy's warm palm spread between his boyfriend's shoulder blades, securing Jason to him. It was clear that this was going to be one of the precious moments Jason put down the heavy partition that separated his heart from the world, that trapped it inside with his self loathing and shame, and for once Roy wouldn't have to walk around it instead. Jason would come to meet him.

"I can usually manage. Helps to be distracted so I just try to stay busy." His breath brushed across Roy's neck, quiet like the words could settle in the hollow of the red head's throat and never drift from the safety of this bed. "When I was a kid I’d just have to fight my way through it. But now, it’s like I hit this threshold. One minute I’m in pain but I’m in control. The next…it's like my body doesn’t need me, it kicks me out. Or like. I’m trapped in-inside, at the same time. So I can’t help it, I just go and go until I can’t even see from pain. The Lazarus, these last years...something put that threshold in me and I _can’t_ …” Jason sounded as if he wanted to tear that precipice out like it was simply an organ inside him, that thing that took control away from him. “Now I don’t have to fight through it, I have to fight  _ myself _ \- to  _ stop _ -...”

Tentatively, Roy spoke up. "But I thought the Lazarus might've healed…"

"That was years ago," Jason sighed. "I've… fallen, been shot, poisoned, broken. You know how it is." Roy nodded slightly. His own old injuries could be pretty bothersome. 

"What happens when it's like this? What do you do?" he wondered out loud.

"I manage." There was something else he was going to say yet hesitated. Roy fortified the hand on Jason's back as if he could reach inside and _squeeze_ the shame out of Jason's heart. As if Jason hadn't already wrenched his heart from his chest and offered it to him. "I drop,” he finally said, quiet and hateful. Hateful at himself? “Eventually it just  _ crumples _ out from under me, my body. Then I'm stuck. In bed. Or...wherever I am." His voice was even quieter, wretched. Roy conjured images of the horrible places Jason must have been left in, delirious with pain and unable to go another step toward safety. Places Jason had likely  _ forgotten _ about in the throes of mind numbing torment. A trash filled alley, a freezing cold warehouse, a precarious rooftop, with unknowable injuries, and dangers lurking nearby. 

"All by yourself?" Jason's head nodded, once. "Oh Jaybird…" Roy brought the hand up and pet it through the back of Jason's hair. "Jas… You don't have to. Not anymore. I wanna help. That sounds fucking awful."

Jason nodded again and kept his head ducked, near enough for Roy to rest his chin in Jason's hair, still petting. A light shaking resumed in his body but Jason had promised not to resist tonight, so he let the watery tears escape. "I got you. You don't have to do it alone anymore. Christ...I got you Jaybird. I’ve got you." Roy promised over and over quietly while Jason went limp with relief. Black sleep enveloped him. He couldn’t always be there, but Roy knew for certain that he’d cross through Hell to save Jason’s heart, even from himself. 

**Author's Note:**

> I have other Jay/Roy fics if you liked this one.  
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
